Intercountry adoption

yesterday - two successes. Firstly, an appointment here in Bangkok (not sure if i'm going to be able to make it, but hey) and then my husband phoned a place in London who said they could help and that they think we're fine with the whole Non-habitually resident thing. So that's good news! Just means we have one more thing to try and fit into that week in the UK, but that's ok.

I compiled a list of lawyers here in Bangkok. Then phoned one near to work. Good. But the phone converstation was difficult. The receptionist didn't know if they could help me and literally clung on to the words she could understand 'adoption'....which is a key word for the dilema we're in, so it's not all bad. But now we wait on an email which will give us an appointment time and if this time does not suit us - well then we'll be back to emailing them, with a reply...which won't get answered for another month...so we'll see - but it's progress.

I just keep picturing those babies. Remembering that this is all towards that day.... Try not to think too much about that now. Stay focused. One step at a time...Like pregnancy.

Right, today we are going to SPEAK to a lawyer here in Thailand. This objective will be met today. I can't sleep or eat properly at the moment - there's too much to think about....birthdays, christenings, weddings, flights, lawyers....

Must start ticking off the list. We emailed lawyers over a week ago and not one has replied. Then 2 days ago my husband emailed one in the UK and the reply came immediately. Even though it was "we cannot help". Still find things like that frusterating here. What are they all doing in their offices all day? Who made up the rule that it was ok to just wait? Everyone is the same here - well from our experience anyway...

OH and I"m going to download the CRB forms. We have old ones which I don't think they'll worry about, but just to be safe I think we should apply again. Bit of a hassle, but we are afterall, in this no matter what...

I cannot begin to count the number of thoughts I have had on this subject. On this subject alone I think that I have had more thoughts than any other. Well maybe. A lot anyway. Some thoughts make me drift off in a hazy day-dream, smiling; others... well lets just say that others leave me with a furrowed brow.

I realised early on, months ago now, January 2007 to be precise, that this was a topic on the higher end of the emotional Richteur scale. That this one topic alone would be like a never ending cavern of thoughts and opinions; twisting and trailing around, sometimes to no immediate end and other times just branching off somewhere else. I knew that I would continue to think and feel and change my mind. And to be honest this is something that I like. I don't think life choices should be simply YES or NO.

So here I am, thinking a new thought. Feeling new emotions.

We went to the Babies Home yesterday. This is our thrid visit. We decided to go to see the same group of children as before. Felt as if we owed it to them. That we weren't just there for a few minutes - that we were committed. As we walked up the slippery stairs, we checked that we were prepared for what lay ahead...but how wrong we were to think that what these little children had in store for us was going to be that easy, that we could just think a little about the previous visits and then we'd be good to go. Looking in the bare, light-blue room, where 25 children I imagine under the age of 3 were either running around unsteadily or asleep in the middle of the floor - we could see some faces we recognised, some which were new and some that were missing.

Phase one was as before. Enter the room. Small child runs over. You instantly smile. Sit down - child attaches themselves to you in whatever style they chose.

Phase two continued also as we had predicted. Other children ran over, looking for a piece of the action also. But here is where the rules had changed. This time, instead of 4 toddlers clambering all over you happily, this time there was strategy and game plan. Children were either biting or kicking one another in order to get the control of the 'prey'. They were so desperate to have the complete and utter attention of us that they went to any means possible to get it. It was awful. Like watching a nature documentary and this time, we were in it. Survival of the fittest. Whichever child managed to emotionally pull at us the best - won. Techniques included screaming if you looked, touched, smiled at another child; throwing themselves onto the floor so that we naturally went to pick them up to stop them from hurting themselves; and the most heart breaking of all; the biting, kicking and hitting that these children had learnt to do to ensure that no one was on their territory.

I'm not sure how much help we actually were there - infact I think we made it harder for the 2 women who were there hour upon hour caring for these infants. So we left.

I realised yesterday accutely, that this adoption isn't simply a matter of saving a baby and bringing it into a wonderful new shiny world. They will not simply melt into our lives. They will come with a whole database of mental survival skills - no matter what the age of the baby. Those toddlers were smiling, sweet angelic looking children. Melting your heart with one look. But the horror of seeing those smiles turn to scowls as they turned to sink their teeth into one of their peers, was truly awful.

My husband can only think of those little children we saw. In his head it is one of these that we are saving. The thought of taking one of those babies out of that cold, souless room and into our home where every inch of our attention will be bestowed upon it, is what motivates him to get the next stages in our adoption sorted. But I know that we cannot take on a child of that age. Not at the moment. We need to do the best job we can and to be honest, at the moment, I am scared. There will be no soft focused camera shots on our family. It will be real. Harsh, wonderful and real. What will happen when we are faced with moments when we do not know what way to go? I need to start my motherhood with a younger child that I can grow with. Maybe in years to come we will take home one of those other older babies, but for now, I want to know that I am doing exactly the best that I can do and I believe that is for now, for me, to adopt a younger baby.

I am still feeling scared today. Unsure. Like something has touched me which I have never experienced. I know now that I am going to adopt a baby. Even if the timescale isn't what we plan - I know we will. This is because yesterday for the first time, I felt unsure. Is this really what I want? What happens if my child is like this - angry, manipulative, complicated? And I know! I know! This is what ALL children are capable of. But part of you thinks that your own flesh and blood will be easier to understand, to control, to comfort....everyone must think that at first...don't they? These feelings of uncertainty and doubt have only made me realise that for sure, without a doubt, I have begun to understand what becoming a mother is all about.